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Freedom From a Rented Life

by Karen McCabe

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1.
What do you expect to see In a chemical reality? You’ve rented a life from somebody unknown and nobody knows who you may be So your face is in the window But what side are you on? Other faces in the window Perhaps already gone. Faces in the window What side are they on? Lined up in the traffic Lights no longer on. What do you expect to see in a chemical reality? You’re drowning your light on a path that’s not right and you’ll never know who you may be but your face is in the window. Ooohh What do you expect to see In a chemical reality?
2.
The Silence of 4am Loud enough to wake you The elephant in the room bellows loud at this time Taps you on the shoulder and demands your attention Attention that you just don’t want to give. When you feel the grief that is eating your soul on the quiet When you know you’re down but you tell everyone you’re alright You can’t bury your head in the the silence of 4am. The silence of 4am Loud enough to wake you That discord that can’t be ignored, but you’ll try… When it steals your sleep every night of the week it’s not fair When you’re on the floor but pretend you enjoy being there When you realise it’s every decision you’ve made got you here By day you’re achieving and happy, at night you’re in tears No denying yourself in the silence of 4am Well you steal my sleep many nights of the week Is it me…or you? The heart sees one thing but the eyes another Such beautiful confusion. I’m observing all this, watching and learning Try not to drown in the angsting and burning as I would have done before I knew what I know now Making sense of it all in the silence of 4am. The silence of 4am - you can hear your own voice (loud enough to wake you) The silence of 4am - you’ll find your memory (The elephant in the room bellows loud at this time) The silence of 4am - it’s almost the morning (Taps you on the shoulder and demands your attention) Dry those tears from out of nowhere, look forward to day. It’s not dark everywhere…so why linger here? In the silence of 4am.
3.
Now 02:16
Future’s not here Yet you’ve wrapped it in fear. The past’s disappeared Why shed a tear? (Give a smile and live) (See) - The blue past the grey (Smell) - the scent of the day (Hear) - the birds singing grace (Touch) - the skin on his face (Taste) - the peace in your reach (Feel) - feel the sand on the beach (Nothing’s wrong now) - Nothing’s wrong now (you can walk strong) You can walk strong. Future’s not here (make it what you want) Yet you’ve wrapped it in fear. (let it go forgive) The past’s disappeared (Give a smile and live) Why shed a tear? (See) - The blue past the grey (Smell) - the scent of the day (Hear) - the birds singing grace (Touch) - the skin on his face (Taste) - the peace in your reach (Feel) - feel the sand on the beach (Nothing’s wrong now) - Nothing’s wrong now (you can walk strong) You can walk strong.
4.
Look Up 02:28
Summer duvet time Aestivation and re-navigation Hanging in an agonisingly sweet limbo Locked down but free as a bird Just fairy lights and fantasies for company and daily dances with strangers aroused by the fear porn The breeze in the trees disagrees with what seizes us now and Venus’ gaze seems abnormally bright somehow Always something bigger going on Lie under your summer duvet and look up Just look up! Just look up! Lie under your summer duvet and look up. Summer duvet time Slumbering under? Or wakefully watching the scene? The lines between the lovers and the haters become blurred A disconnect with what is seen and what is heard. Fag butts in the chimnea remind that people been here Don’t share my view? You can’t come near! Divided up and sick with fear The breeze in the trees disagrees with what seizes us now Throw off your summer duvet and look up Just look up! Just look up! Throw off your summer duvet and look up.
5.
Delusions 04:16
Signs or delusions? Help or confusion? Something to trust, or a test of our fears? Is every lit pathway safe to proceed on? Sometimes it leads to madness in here. Speak to me straight don’t want codes to decipher and please don’t trust words from a snake in the grass. Were these truly signs or egotistical desires? Cos we are all narcissists as much as we’re empaths. It took fourteen pages to clear out my head Seven sides of words that I’d never said Always seeing those ‘signs’ everywhere Am I learning from you? Do you learn from me too? Fourteen pages to clear out my head Twenty-five years of a pattern inbred Now you can be you, and I can be me If it blocks out your sun it’s not meant to be. Do I stay or go? Please recite my dilemma. Let me hear it out loud. Are we losing ourselves in the woods forever Because we are too proud? Same songs sung but different meanings behind Constantly misinterpreting signs Unfinished business abound. Oh what a beautiful position to be in… your second choice, quietly on hold in the background. It took fourteen pages to clear out my head Seven sides of words that I’d never said Always seeing those signs everywhere Do you see them too? Too good to be true? Fourteen pages to clear out my head Twenty-five years of a pattern inbred Now you can be you, and I can be me Just another scene in my living movie. Signs or delusions? (Signs or delusions) Help or confusion? (Help or confusion) Minds want to see but our hearts cannot hear.
6.
Empty Vessel 05:02
So your life has been been thrown in the air once again You're having to be your own best friend and embrace this empty space as a brand new start. You can pack everything that you own in an hour You've chosen to live in life's solitary tower but you don't feel freedom - you feel like you're falling apart. It's an hourly exchange between hope and despair Both take you away from the here, they're both over there. You never envisaged living this way You're needed by nobody night-time or day with freedom to do as you please whenever you like. Got nothing of permanence tying you here Just one little toe on this planet you fear Have you done it all totally wrong? Or is it alright... Cos every day you get just what you need That little toe touching the earth will soon be full feet It's just life beginning again It's nowhere near the end Just some turbulence as all your plans fall to the ground Sometimes we need times like these to turn things around. Does this blank canvas make you a cold empty vessel? A concept with which you have constantly wrestled Yet being in this place in your life you've so much to give. You've got time, you've got space, you're in no kind of race and in spite of the pain etched all over your face in the comfort of your broken heart many would love to live. It's a very fine line between hope and despair It takes so much effort to shine when you struggle for air Yet what you bring is needed here the impact you're making will one day be clear Just wait and see where those cards land on the ground but please don't imagine a world where you're not around. You can dismantle all that you own in an hour but the steps that you've taken reflect your true power Let go of all outcomes, expectations sour You've planted your seeds...now wait 'til they flower. You're worried that people will think you're a fool Not followed convention, walked off from it all but your door's always open, you knocked down your wall This cold empty vessel's in fact very full.

about

My first ever EP!
The songs had been floating around in my head for some time but I finally wrote them down, performed and recorded them in my front room during 2020. I hope you find something in them for yourself.

Honest, thought-provoking songs sharing life experiences and observations, but with a soothing and encouraging message.

A blend of soul, folk and soft rock influences kept simple with voice and piano (sometimes a bit of surprise guitar)!

credits

released June 4, 2021

All songs written, performed and recorded by Karen McCabe
Guitar on 'Look Up' by Karl Harrison (Karlos Kollective)
Audio mixing by Matt Fleming at Minus Tone

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Karen McCabe Windsor, UK

Singer-pianist from Windsor, UK.

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